Eddie – The Puffer Fish

First published online on April 23, 2010

Note: The names have been changed to protect the guilty parties.

Balloonfish, blowfish, bubblefish, globefish, swellfish, toadfish, toadies, honey toads, and sea squab are just some of the names by which the Puffer fish is also known as. They are named puffers because of their ability to fill up their flexible stomachs with either water or air when threatened by its predators to the point where they almost double in size and have a spherical shape. Puffers are the second most poisonous creature in the animal kingdom after the golden poison frog, yet they are considered a delicacy in Japan and Korea. They can move their eyes independently and can camouflage themselves in response to its environment in the same way a chameleon does on land.

Now, why would people risk their lives to eat a poisonous fish? My understanding is that people experience light-headedness and numbness of the lips. The more serious cases of poisoning lead to numbness of mouth and lips, dizziness, vomiting, numbness of the body followed by a prickling sensation, rapid heart rate, low blood pressure, and muscle paralysis. To my great relief, puffer fish are usually found in tropical waters and not in temperate oceans (such as those of the Central Coast) or cold waters altogether; so, if I ever decide to do ocean swimming again, I would never be in danger of running into a puffer fish in our coastal waters. So what’s the point for this short dissertation on puffer fish?

The point is that as I browsed through some of “My Matches” on the free dating site, one of them caught my eye because its owner listed his profession as smuggler. I figured he was a smart ass and wondered what else he had written about himself. I knew I was headed for a wild ride when his profile page had a cheetah pattern as a background, so my hunch was that this fish was full of hot air. As I began reading, I was flabbergasted by the audacity, sarcasm and sheer cynicism splashed all over the narrative. It was amusing yet insulting, funny yet mean, hilarious yet pathetic… all at the same time. So the first thing that came to mind immediately after reading that profile was the image of a puffer fish. In a weird way, the puffer fish can be beautiful because of its shape and patterns, yet it’s poisonous! It can be so pretty yet so deadly. Amazing, yet an oddity. The puffer fish is an oxymoron unto itself! And that’s what Eddie was all about: an oxymoron, but in my book, he’s leaning a little bit more towards the moronic side.

So, here is what Eddie wrote about himself, and I think you will agree with my assessment:

Ladies! This is all I read: I want, I need, I am. The long list of demands of what you are looking for in a Man. Almost all of you Ladies are trying to fit us Men… in a Box, with YOUR expectations of how a Man should be. God already created us. So, please don’t try to recreate us…

Ya’ll been carrying this little box to fit us in since your childhood.
Throw it away! :)
You Ladies, especially in your late 30′s and up. If I may, you are single and on this site for a REASON. You couldn’t find the Man of your Dreams in your “Prime Time” and now your Box keeps getting bigger ?? :) Good luck!

Ladies, let me tell you a secret, come a little closer…ok. You know where can you find the Man of your dreams ?? Ready…. In your “DREEEEAAMS” Sorry, didn’t mean to yell… he-he!

Ask not, what your date can do for you, but what can you do for… Wait, I think I have heard this line before somewhere :)

It’s ok if you find a Man with one leg, just thank God he at least has one good one. That’s how you should be looking at life, look at the positive’s: Great Parking privileges? You guys can be the champions of the 3 legged races at the Fair? Your lover can easily jump out of the window if you hear him coming up the stairs ? Save money on shoes ? You guys Feel me??!! Bahaha :)

I have no problems dating a girl with one arm if I have to, this is how I would look at it: Ok, she has one good arm. She can easily open the refrigerator, grab me a beer and shut the door with one of her two good legs !!! :)

Don’t believe me? Ok, any woman out there with a limb missing or has a stone eye or perhaps a prosthetic leg, don’t hesitate to hit me up, as long as you’re a good Human being and a little easy on the eyes :)

Ahh yes, about me!
I’m not a player, I’m very cultured, animated and funny (in my own head ;) . Not here to keep fishing and releasing. I want to find a mermaid and keep it, and even buy a nice Aquarium for it :) :)

Looking for someone really down to Earth or any other Planet. Please no Drama Queens !

If you have a boyfriend ?? !! Not available till 2046, or dating 20 other Men, unnecessary exhibition or revealing of your body parts in your pic’s ? Please don’t email me, you can try SlutsRus.com or something.

Also Ladies, I weigh around 155lbs (all lean meat, baby!) So please let your total Gross weight be around there or less, otherwise it’ll be really hard to carry your Ass up the stairs :) :)

Peace Love and respect to everyone and Keep it real Sista’s :)

Eddie…

I laughed very hard at first, but as soon as I stopped laughing I was annoyed! I have to admit that I was amused by his twisted sense of humor, but I was disgusted at the same time. The sheer audacity of this puffer! I clicked away from his profile, walked away from my computer, made myself some tea and tried to occupy myself with some other project, but after a while I just simply could not put it to rest. I went back to his profile and re-read it. Yes, it was funny, very funny; but on the second read, I noticed he also had a list of requirements for the fish brained applicants who may foolishly aspire to be mermaids in his aquarium! And the part about where we can really find the man of our dreams? As if any thinking modern woman would even hold that notion, let alone use that term, in this day and age!

I could not help myself but to click on the “Send me a note” button. I started typing away as if I was in a trance. Clackety-clickety-clack. Clickety-clack-clack. A few more clacketies and a final click on the “Send” button. This is the note I sent.

Dear Eddie:
Your profile is hilarious and pathetic at the same time. You are definitely in the smart ass category! You had me laughing so hard… but after I stopped laughing, I was annoyed! You gotta ease off the cynical streak a bit or the only mermaids you will find are the ones with brains the size of a fish.

But, hey, I think you also have this lil’ box (list) for your would be “mermaids” that goes like this:

A good human being (basic should not be on the list, but fish-brained ladies need to be reminded)
Can close the fridge door with one limb (or flipper)
Down to earth or any other planet (the ocean falls in that category)
No drama queens (The fish brain requirement takes care of this)
No unnecessary exhibition of body parts in profile (Mermaids are usually topless, did you forget that?)
Total gross weight equal or less than 155 lbs.(I’ll give you that one)
As long as they are easy on the eyes (any man with good working gonads just needs a good pair of hooters in front of them and they could care less what the rest of us looks like!)

Now, you are 45 and still single? I think you are still on the “catch and release” mode, or perhaps you catch ‘em and they get away.

Yes, I am still single also, but it is by choice. Now I am in the catch and release mode until I find a keeper. I am determined to find a keeper.

Good luck on your journey from one smart ass to another.

I could tell he had read my email, but it took him a full week to respond. I was afraid to read his response, but in the end it was pretty mild mannered.

Thanks,
I think they should change the name to
Plenty of sh*t :)
A lot of wierd(sic) Woman(sic) on here :)

So, if you ever go fishing in the Huntington Beach area, beware! There is a puffer fish swimming in those waters who is an oxy(genated)moron. Now, imagine me holding my thumb and index finger about a quarter inch apart while I say that his ego is only “theeese beeeg.”

Oh, come on! Get your mind out of the gutter! I said HIS EGO!!!

Next: The Flounder Fish

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